got to love ABBA.....

and the drugs!!!

well it would seem that the drugs plus ABBA.....have worked to get me moving...i skipped, boxed and crunched...

ABBA the greatest hits is a great CD to work out to...cos if you can still sing along to the songs you're not working hard enough!!!!

Little john

Just letting you all know that Little John's operation went really well....his hernia is all fixed and now his testicle is down where it's supposed to be.

plus Bear did not have his sleep today and i did not have a melt down...

you know it's only since I've looked really closely at myself that i have come to the conclusion that i have been a wee bit obsessive re Bear and now DollyGirls sleep....

hmm think that all comes down to the "my time" issue

hopefully this will only get better

looky see

This of course is Dollygirl



this one is of me (the one in the high chair) when i was about 6 months....look alike

well it's official......i'm mad, cookoo, loony, crazy, nuts, raving,stark raving bonkers

yes all that and more!!!

am on medication for PND.....which is Post natal depression...doc thinks that i have had it since Bear was born...but as i was exercising and taking herbs etc...i managed to keep it in check..

When i fell pregnant, well the feel good hormones helped...then wham....PND back again but worse as it was not treated right in the first place...

So now I've decided to put my hand up and get the help need to get myself back on track....

one and for all...

I did go to my own Doc last time with Bear...but he really didn't explain things the way this other Doc has done...well she does specialize in treatment of women with PND...

I told her that i hate the feeling of being out of control and that last time i felt really spaced out on the meds...so I'm only taking 1/2 tablet for the first 4 days then 1 tablet (10mgs) per day

it's day 2 and well...we will wait and see

this Doc did mention something that i thought was very interesting....

She said that having a mental problem after you have had children can effect your bond with them!!!!

And bond is not about how much you love them...

it's to do with the "dance" and how you "mesh" with them....

Now that really did ring some bells for me...as Bear has always been very much..."no mummy do it"..."i want Mummy" and he follows me around all day everyday.....

me thinks my bond is not "meshing" that well with him yet...

Also she said that my need to have time away from that kids to keep me "Sane" also come from the PND...as women that have adjusted to motherhood will often love to have time off/away from the kids but unlike me.....don't need it to keep them sane....

I'm so glad i went to see her...am going back to she in 2 weeks to talk about how the meds are going and she may add a mood adjustment drug into it as well...cos i can go from happy...to crankypants in seconds these days!!!

Thanks for that support via the comments, really helps

Blessings
Helen

PS...when asked on the forms what religion i was....i put down Wiccan...first time I've done that!!!!

Old -V- New

something big is happening...

i have for quite awhile now been wanting to go back the old me...

cos that person was not mad, or angry all the time or scared (plus she got to sleep when she wanted too!!!)

but last night whilst trying to go to sleep a voice said...do you really want to go back to the old you...

i mean as the old you, you were...

self opinionated, cold, aloof, controlled, arrogant, way to Strong for your own good sometimes, never could ask for help and then when you did could never take the advise/help given!!!, you were funny, loving, kind and helpful in your own way.....but

the new you...

scared, out of control, mad...angry...so very, very angry, you are still strong, loving, kind to some....cold and aloof to others


so the question that is scaring the pants off me is ...who do i really want to be?

i am

a mother
a wife
a sister
a daughter
a friend
a witch

to name but a few.....

so what do i want from me....

what do i want others to see

why to i care what others think/feel about me?

would it help if i put my head in the sand as i normally do and hope it will all get better without me having to do anything?

no

but this is how i normally cope with things..

why now does it have to change?

why now do i feel that i have to look at myself and try to re-discover who i really am?

my god that's painful...

i mentioned in an earlier post that i went out for a girls night out...had a great time too..

but i was stuck wondering what to talk about...

that's right me...whom some would say could talk under water with marbles in her mouth..

but i didn't know what to talk about that was not just around kids....

i said i would never get like that....but hey shit happens

so I'm left here wondering who i really am

who do i want to be?

who should i be?

why do i want to be me?

Little John

He is going into hospital next Thursday to have his hernia operated on..plus he also has to have his right testicle pulled down into his scrotum...make your eyes water boys!!!

So if you could send some love and healing over to my Sis and her hubby and of course little John that would be wonderful..

Blessings...

Jewell

interesting time with a Dragon

go check it out on my new blog