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Sunday, August 2, 2009

Old -V- New

something big is happening...

i have for quite awhile now been wanting to go back the old me...

cos that person was not mad, or angry all the time or scared (plus she got to sleep when she wanted too!!!)

but last night whilst trying to go to sleep a voice said...do you really want to go back to the old you...

i mean as the old you, you were...

self opinionated, cold, aloof, controlled, arrogant, way to Strong for your own good sometimes, never could ask for help and then when you did could never take the advise/help given!!!, you were funny, loving, kind and helpful in your own way.....but

the new you...

scared, out of control, mad...angry...so very, very angry, you are still strong, loving, kind to some....cold and aloof to others


so the question that is scaring the pants off me is ...who do i really want to be?

i am

a mother
a wife
a sister
a daughter
a friend
a witch

to name but a few.....

so what do i want from me....

what do i want others to see

why to i care what others think/feel about me?

would it help if i put my head in the sand as i normally do and hope it will all get better without me having to do anything?

no

but this is how i normally cope with things..

why now does it have to change?

why now do i feel that i have to look at myself and try to re-discover who i really am?

my god that's painful...

i mentioned in an earlier post that i went out for a girls night out...had a great time too..

but i was stuck wondering what to talk about...

that's right me...whom some would say could talk under water with marbles in her mouth..

but i didn't know what to talk about that was not just around kids....

i said i would never get like that....but hey shit happens

so I'm left here wondering who i really am

who do i want to be?

who should i be?

why do i want to be me?

4 reflections:

Hippy Witch said...

Every mother who reads this will smile and nod their heads in understanding. You are growing my Love, it is not always pleasant, but very necessary. Live with the moment and concentrate on your growth and being a mum. One day very soon you will have plenty to talk about that isn't baby stuff. I do remember very clearly feeling exactly the same way when I was out with people, who appeared to have a life, but you still have a life, a wonderful life, and our children grow so quickly, it doesn't seem so at the time, but oh my, where the time goes, it seems like only yesterday, I was crying about having nothing to talk about but babies and getting depressed and not wanting to go anywhere because of it, now I would give anything to be able to see my son more than once a year if Im lucky. Sit back, hug them, soak it all up and know that you are banking memories, because that is what you will be left with, so for your sake please make them pleasant. Sending you Love dear friend.

Wendy said...

Oh, I so hear you!

As we start to live an independent life and are trying to grow into ourselves, we get a partner and have to work on the "me" being "we". Then we get married and most times even give up part of the our name, which has been associated with our whole identity for most of our lives. Then we have children and we also lose our first names and become a generic "Mum". It's no wonder so many of us wake up one day and acknowledge that we don't even know who we are any more.

That said, the questions you are asking yourself now, about who you were and who you want to be, are what will help you get through this stage.

We all have an authentic self and sometimes we fall out of touch with that person, but they still exist - we just need to reacquaint ourselves with them.

The wonderful thing about this process is that you can choose how the traits that make up the person you are manifest themselves. So, you personally, Helen, to take one example, have great strength of character. In the past you describe this as coming across as "self opinionated, cold, aloof, controlled, arrogant" - now you get to chose how to direct this strength into the person you want to be, which is your authentic self. Determination, self-control, discipline, commitment - chose what you what your strength to "look like" because you have the power to make that a reality.

And, this is such a wonderful time of year to do it, too. It can be like a kind of rebirth for you if you chose it to be and the world is coming alive with these promises.

Blessings to you always ♥

Jewell said...

thank you, you're comments made be cry..but in a good way xxx

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